Dave Meltzer
The poor man's Wade Keller, Herbert Conner Meltzerbaum O'Reilly, better known by his slave name Dave Meltzer, is a San Jose resident who writes the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Dave Meltzer was born in Tel Aviv in 1967. He is the product of a drunken ship-wrecked Irishman's semen and the willing ovaries of a blind Israeli gal going for a Sunday stroll on the docks. As a young boy, Meltzer showed a penchant for writing and entrepreneurship launching The Bible Newsletter at the age of 9. He was later shunned by his small audience after suggesting that the Sanhedrin crucified Jesus "because they couldn't get laid." Teenage Years At the age of 18, Meltzer joined the Israeli Defense Forces with the goals of killing Gamal Abdel Nasser and Bruno Sammartino. A year later, he was kicked out of the I.D.F. when he refused to shave his legs and got a new hair style that he described as "Hebrew in the front, heathen in the back, brah!" A year later, Meltzer was deported for sunbathing in various synagogues. Basement-based Wrestling Newsletter When Dave arrived in America, he found himself dead broke with only a boner and an Apter Mag to his name. Poor and big into porn, Dave hatched up a newsletter devoted to wrestling and reruns of Dallas in order to gin up money to satiate his X-rated addiction. According to Dave, "I created the newsletter because, uh, I needed to scam up a few bucks to, y'know, buy the new Tina Yothers Playboy spread. A few weeks later, I started getting these tapes from some, uh, Asian country featuring a wrestler called 'Giant Hung Young Baba.' I got so like totally hooked and hard by wrestling from that point forward. I was like 'THIS IS FRIGGIN' INSANE!!!' Hahahaha! Y'know what I mean?" Shilling the Newsletter When shilling the Newsletter, Dave describes it as the "biggest, most beastly source for insider news on the total planet. The Wrestling Observer is more jammed packed than a male porn star's Levi's. We've got the hook up with all the insiders who personally inject substances into the WWE's biggest stars such as HHH and Pat Patterson. Oh yeah, and let's not forget to give a hand up to the Mute Mexican. If you miss this week's Observer, buy next week's edition of Figure Four Weekly. It's got some of the news I covered last week along with interview recaps cut and pasted from other web sites. Oh and it's fffuuuunnnnnieeee." Origin of "Big Dave" In 1988 Meltzer met Dr. George Zahorian while writing an article on steroids in wrestling. To gain a full understanding of the impact of the various types of steroids, Dave undertook a six month regimen of heavy use of a variety of substances. During this time Metlzer's genitals shrunk to a third their normal size, leading his wife to call him "Big Dave" as a rib. The Ric Flair Conspiracy Meltzer possesses disturbing and embarrassing photos of "Nature Boy" Ric Flair actually wrestling a broom to a one star match (Dave has often claimed that Flair can wrestle a broom to a three star match). As Flair is his favorite wrestler, Meltzer blackmailed Flair into staying active in the ring through Flair's 80th birthday. Meltzer has demanded $1,000,000 to turn over the photos to the Flair family, leading Ric to spend his remaining days hawking autographs at crappy independent shows in a desperate effort to earn money. (Flair's son Reid is now wrestling solely for Dave's pleasure.) Hebrew goes Hollywood Inspired by his spiritual pilgrimage to the birth place of Aaron Spelling, Dave Meltzer dedicated himself to becoming a mainstream star. His first film, Bryan Alvarez: A Sexuality Questioned, was a straight up ghetto challenge to the Hetero establishment. The film chronicled the life of Dave's ward, Bryan Alvarez, as he traveled across the state of Washington with nothing but a tip jar, raising funds for a sex change operation and access to better WWE sources. After disappointing box office numbers, Dave focused on a radio career with eyada.com. Wrestling Observer Live featured interviews with MMA nobodies like Nutsakuraba. Despite his radio and newsletter success, Dave hasn't given up on the visual medium. Recently, Dave was featured on an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy as the “Convenient Milk Man.” The Star of Dave Rating System One of the trademarks of Meltzer's dirt sheet is his controversial star-rating system for fake matches. In order to receive a five-star rating, send a check or money order payable to Dave Meltzer. Normal ROH discount applies. Personal Life aside from watching Porn Dave has a child named Krone (age 12). It is not known if Dave engaged in intercourse to create this new being. Wade Keller has speculated that the sheer of amount of dried semen in Dave's Persian rug combined with static electricity led to the creation of a fetus. Dave later birthed a child through natural, sexual means, with his current wife. At the time of conception, they were not married, which resulted in the Christian Conservative base of smart-marks to ban the purchasing and reading of the Wrestling Observer. Bob Ryder heads this movement. As of 2007, he has no followers. Little is known about Dave's second, sexually concepted child. Reports indicate that he is male, roughly 5 years old, and enjoys the cooking and eating of worked pizzas. Dave has reported that his child's favorite wrestler is Eddie Guerrero. Eddie died when the child was roughly 2 years old, leading many to believe that Dave was "working the boys." Musical Career Meltzer began his career in 1957 as the original lead singer of The Bay City Bombers, one of the first interracial groups of the recording industry. After a regional hit with "My Juanita"/"Sweetest One" on the Joyce label, and two years of chart success on Coed Records with "16 Candles", "Step by Step", "The Angels Listened In", and "Trouble in Paradise", Meltzer left the Bombers for a solo career. Meltzer was unable to reach his former chart heights with the Bombers, but did have Top 40 hits with "What A Surprise" and "Model Girl" in 1961 and 1962. By 1967, another New York group called the Del-Satins, who had made several non-charting recordings between 1959 and 1967 under their own name (and backing up Dion on his post-Belmonts recordings), were looking for a new lead singer to replace original lead Stan Ziska. Other members were brothers Ed and John Ferrara (baritone and bass), Les Thatcher (first tenor) and Barry Alvarez (second tenor). According to Thatcher, members of the group ran into Meltzer at a local gym, playing his guitar, and approached him with the offer to join the group. After initially turning them down, Meltzer's manager called Thatcher and told him Meltzer had changed his mind. In 1968, after touring locally and playing in clubs and small venues, the Del-Satins attended a "Battle of the Bands" and encountered a seven piece brass group named the Rhythm Method. Impressed with each other's skills and talents, the groups decided to try to join forces and form Davey and the Observers. Davey and the Observers rehearsed their unusual combination of smooth vocal harmonies and full horns, and signed a recording contract with Buddah Records. Their first release, a version of the Jimmy Webb song "How's It Goin' Everybody (This is Dave Meltzer)" (previously recorded by The Fifth Dimension), reached #3 on the Billboard Pop Charts. The follow up, "My Hispanic Love Muffin", and its flip side, "****1/4 Lover", both reached the Top 50. A dramatic version of "Mad About Mullets" and the controversial "We Are Totally Out of Time" also reached the middle ranges of the charts. The group sold over 10 million records by 1972, including LP sales, mostly produced by Wes Farrell. Appearances on Ed Sullivan, The Della Reese Show and others helped to bring the group to the national stage. After its heyday, The Observers downsized to a five-man group, with the vocalists playing their own instruments. For example, Meltzer could be seen on stage playing rhythm guitar, while former Rhythm Method bassist Buddy Wayne picked up a vocal part. Later in the 1970s, as the Rock and Roll Revival evolved from a nostalgic fad to a respected genre, the group began to add members, retaining its core vocalists. By 1985, the group had solidified into an eight piece group, including original Del Satins Thatcher and Ed Ferrara and original Bridge member Alvarez, and augmented by a horn section for special occasions. The modern version of the Observers released a Christmas EP in 1989 and a greatest hits compilation in 1993, re-recording Meltzer's Bombers hits. In the early 1990s, Meltzer moonlighted as the background tenor on Joel Katz's studio project CD "Joel & the Dymensions" (which also featured baritone-bass Bobby Jay). In 1994, the Observers recorded a 10-song a capella CD. Davey and The Observers had a minor hit in 1991, entitled "I'm Right Behind You Now Shinya Hashimoto." The track was later covered by Steven and The Colberts (with the title changed to "I'm Right Behind You Now Charlene"). The Colberts had much more success with the song, and Meltzer made a decision to erase the original song from The Observers' history. Recently, the Observers were featured in one of PBS's biggest fundraising events ever, "Doo Wop 50", performing both "Observe My Love" and "Oh My God (We Haven't Talked About Konnan)" (the entire program was released on VHS and DVD). In 2005, the Observers recorded a full concert-length DVD as part of the "Pops Legends Live" series. They continue to tour and recently released a CD titled "Today", featuring more re-recordings of their hits and versions of other groups' songs of the 1950's and 60's. On June 7th, the NME announced that Meltzer is planning the bands next album, which will be released strictly on vinyl. The tentative title is Let's Go To Janice in Lovetown, Janice, Are You There? Janice? Oookay. During the heyday of the band, Dave Meltzer was notorious for having wild nights with groupies, ending with him burying the girls under the floorboards of the hotel. These allegations are pending police investigation. In 2013, Davey and The Observers returned with their album entitled: "Big Dave and The Observers Sing the Classics". Meltzer took a five year sabbatical from his duties as the editor of the Wrestling Observer while recording the record and left Bryan Alvarez's Grandmother in charge; nobody seemed to notice he had gone. Some of the tracks on the album, which Vincent Verhei described as, "Meh, it's better than that old blues shit Bryan makes me listen to everyday", include: "Don't Stop Believing (In the Territories)", "The Devil Went Down to Georgia and Booked Himself as World Champion", "All Along the Watchtower We Gathered to Watch 16 Hours of UFC Prelims" and the multi-platinum selling hit single: "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face I Knew About the TRT". The albums' liner notes state that Meltzer wanted to call the final track "Bryan & Vinny are Homos, Wade Keller is Full of Shit and Mike Johnson is a Fucking Mark". However after a lengthy dispute with the record label and a bribe which included footage of Ric Flair showing 6 rats why he is called "the 60 minute man", Dusty Rhodes' old muffler and a small bottle of Cowboy Bob Orton Jr.'s Hepatitis C riddled blood, Meltzer changed the title to "Stand By Me (Who Else Are You Gonna Trust, Wade Keller, Mike Johnson, Bryan, Vinny, You Know What I Mean?)". Some of the other original song titles that didn't make the cut were: "Fresh From the Cheeseburger Eating Contest, Here Comes Mike Jonhson", "I Can't See Them Booking That; Just Like Mike Johnson Can't See His Own Penis", "For the Fat Fucks, By the Fat Fucks: The Story of the Shitist Newsletter Ever, The Wrestling Lariat", "My Son Could Kick Mike Johnson's Fat Ass", "Marks with Stretch Marks; The PW Insider Staff are Fat", "Mike Johnson Wishes He Had Guns Like Me and I'm Fucking Old!", "Next To Mike Johnson, Vinny Looks Like Rick Rude", "Anyone at PW Insider.com Can be Bribed to Write a Positive Article for the Small Price of a Shoot Pizza and a Handjob From an Equally Fat Chick", "Morbid Obesity is Not Funny...Unless You are Talking About Mike Jonhson", "Mike Johnson Gets Blown Up After 30 Seconds of Typing His Bullshit", "If Mike Johnson Was Around in the 80's, Watts Would Have Slapped the Twinkie Out of His Mouth a Long Time Ago", "Mike Johnson Had 5 Reserved Seats at the ECW Arena: 2 For His Fat Ass and 3 For His Double Chin", "Even By American Standards, Mike Johnston is Fat", "Mike Johnston Tries to Get Booked on the Indies as 'The Third Headhunter'" and "Fatty-Fatty-Fat-Fat, Fatty-Fatty-Fat-Fat; Mike Johnston is Still Way Too Fucking Fat". Books Dave has written several books that only a few care about. *''Tributes'' - Dave writes obituaries for wrestlers that he thinks might die someday. *''My Week In Atlantic City With Missy Hyatt and Meth Hardy'' - The story of Dave's rousing road trip to Atlantic City with Missy Hyatt, Meth Hardy, and the frozen head of Cal Ripken Jr. *''What if Wrestling Were Real?'' - A worked book about real fake finishes that break kayfabe *''Everything I Know About Wrestling!'' - Only three copies of the book were made before environmentalists ordered the publisher to stop production due to the large amount of trees that were torn down to create the paper for the book. *''Booking MMA For Dummies!'' - Part of Dave's quest to bring swerves and angles to MMA Fun Facts * Dave knocked up ex-wife Mariella Frostrup only to gain access to her extensive Coupling DVD collection. * As a Jew, it is widely known that Dave has started all wars including the Monday Night War and the Falkland Islands War * Is possessed by the alien symbiote Blue Goo. * Dave has designed a bra capable of containing the heaving lust of bitch tits and Ric Flair's big uns. * Dave has waged a one-man race war against Latinos, Soccer fans, Frank Shamrock, and people "who talk gay" with the help of his three-legged nazi dog, Zack Morris. * Dave has quite a green thumb and has won awards for his rose and penis gardens. * Dave is on Ring of Honor's payroll. * Dave expects to live to 150 * Dave requires that his immediate family call him "Dynamite" Dave * Dave was one of many who impersonated the Ultimate Warrior * Has ruined approximately 22 relationships by dishing out star ratings systems to his sexual encounters. * Likes the feel of pudding against his skin. * Gave "Bryan vs. Vinny - The Battel of the Empire" 1/2* * Thinks MMA is "fuckin' awesome". * Dave once screwed Bret Hart's balls to the back of Shawn Michaels' left buttock using two 3 inch nails and a door hinge. This became known as the Montreal Screwjob * Dave once got a Dick in a Box from Bryan Alvarez for Christmas * Experimented with mullet-style pubic hair in the mid 1980's * Dave's wife was woken up in the middle of the night and forced to get a Misawa tribute tramp stamp tattoo at a 24 hour tattoo parlor upon the news of his passing. * Dave Meltzer carjacked Seattle resident Vince Verhei, after assaulting him with a green banana. * At a recent conference in Iran, Meltzer called the Holocaust a "work" and the Nazi-Soviet Pact "like almost as big of a swerve as Bash at the Beach 1996!" * Endorsed Ross Perot in the 1992 Presidential campaign. * Claims to have contributed the phrase "you know" to the English language * Secretly paid a prostitute to take Wade Keller's virginity. * Has a hell of a coke habit. * Dave forgot to talk about Konnan * Once spent $40,000 in a month paying prostitutes to re-enact various Ric Flair versus Ricky Steamboat matches move for move. * Thinks the problem with TNA is "not enough swerves" * Sells bears. * Didn't realize non-wrestling television programming existed until 2001 when he mistakenly turned onto USA Network the night Monday Night Raw moved to Spike. * Caused Roller Derby to die. * Is one of those guys * Based his rating system on McDonald's name tags. * Once rated Trish Status's vagina *** 3/4 * Churns out Observers on his state-of-the-art computing machine, the ENIAC, introduced in 1946. * Dave Meltzer is famous for having a large collection of speedos. It is rumored that Dave wears a different speedo for all occasions (ie; during WOL, Dave wears a WOL speedo. While watching Japan, Dave wears a Tiger Mask speedo. While making love to his wife, Dave wears a Bryan Alvarez speedo.) * Meltzer had a mullet-style haircut all the way up until 1995, when he decided to change it. He then adopted the "Rachel" haircut, popularized by Friends star Jennifer Aniston. * Enjoys worked pizza. * Made a bold prediction when he said Vince McMahon wouldn't live to be 150 years old, and on June 11, 2007 he was correct. * Took a Japanese wrestling poster to an AWA show. What a mark! * Flairpinnedme wants to touch Dave. * DAVE IS NOT DEWE Catchphrases Are you there Bryan? *Awkward pause* ..."Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"... *dead air* *ya know *"NONONONONONO!" (A violent sussing of Bryan usually follows) Category:Jews Category: Wrestling Observer Category: American journalists Category: Professional wrestling journalists and columnists Category: Men Bryan Alvarez is gay for Category: Living People Category: Pages soon to be vandalized Category:American professional wrestlers Category:Dave Meltzer cooking Duck Category:Never drew a dime Category:Reasons to hate the internets Category:Mullets Category:People who know what Bryan's cum tastes like Category:People Who are Actually Worse Than Josh Matthews